a chip off the old bloc

I really feel like the biggest obstacle to myself is myself.

Err…obstacle = myself

So it’s not that I’m not putting the time in…I genuinely am. I’m putting in 5, 8, 10, 12 hour stretches. Sometimes they’re hyperfocused where nothing can distract me. Sometimes I get distracted every few hours. Some days I have to slog through material to get it done. I would say that my average level of focus is medium-high, mostly skewed in the hyperfocused and the not-focused-at-all. (So, for you visual people, like a reverse bell curve.)

Regardless, I hit a threshold. Every day is different. It drives me crazy because I can’t predict my performance. When I can’t predict my performance, I can’t plan for success or failure. I can’t project that I can learn X by Y date because X is a variable and Y is a constant.

Uhm…. threshold = { ‘wednesday’ => ‘4 hours’, ‘thursday => ‘12 hours’, ‘friday’ => ‘6 hours’ }

class Performance
attr_accessor :interest :attentiveness :comprehension :recall :speed :aptitude
end 

performance_instance = Performance.new
performance_instance.interest = “high”
performance_instance.attentiveness = “medium-high”
performance_instance.comprehension = “moderate” 
performance_instance.recall = “moderate” 
performance_instance.recite = “moderate-low”
performance_instance.speed = “snail’s pace”
performance_instance.aptitude = “potentially questionable” 

What I find most frustrating about myself is that I’ll get a few hours in to a tutorial or my reading one day and it’ll all be crystal clear. Then, things stop making sense. I’ll re-read things, I’ll keep reading, but I feel like I’m passing my eyes over Greek, Cantonese, or insert any language that I don’t know here. (For funsies, we’ll call it Ruby since it’s applicable right now!)

It’s very much like running a marathon. The first 5K or 10K or 13.1 miles is BREEZE. I feel like I can run forever. Then, at 13.2 miles, my legs start getting tired. I need some more calories. I don’t have enough electrolytes. God forbid the wind starts gusting like it did during my last two marathons. Suddenly the world is a mess through the eyes of this marathoner and I don’t know if I can put one foot in front of the other. 26.2 miles felt feasible at one point but now at mile 13.2 it feels impossible. At mile 17 it feels incomprehensible. At mile 25 it feels like I might’ve died standing up and perhaps I’m delusional. It’s that frustrating feeling where your physical heart can’t keep up with your legs but your emotional heart and emotional legs can.

I remember feeling this way in high school. See, in college, I avoided things that were difficult, and therefore I gravitated towards things that I found easy, or at the very least, comfortable. Design came naturally to me. My hard work was put in to the practical side of things — going through designs, refinements, production, presentation, etc. In high school though, I was forced to take a wholesome curriculum that included classes like Chemistry, Algebra 2, Pre-calc, etc. I remember taking chemistry twice in high school…and twice in college.

Oh wait…

3.times do
puts “Algebra 2”
end
4.times do
puts “Chemistry”
end
2.times do
puts “Pre-calculus”
end 

Anyways…I’m unable to comprehend anything right now, so I’ll have to shift my focus to something else for awhile. Maybe I can revisit this later tonight but it’s definitely going to set me back, which then sets off a cascade of setbacks…but maybe I’m overanalyzing the situation.

Can it be that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Maybe there’s some sort of learning disability I’m not aware of? Maybe it’s impossible to be both left-brained and right-brained? Maybe those are all excuses of people who are quitters? What’s the deal?!